Since I’ve held you, nursed you, kissed you, changed you, bathed you.
102 days since I was able to gaze lovingly into those beautiful eyes.
I find myself forgetting what it was like to hold you in my arms, to feel your warmth, and how it felt to nurse you. That look you gave me when I’d lay you down and take out my breast. You’d smile because you knew you were about to have a full belly of mama’s milk.
Those moments we shared, although short-lived, were plentiful. Out of the 28 years I’ve been alive, I never truly lived until you came into this world.
You were, are, and always will be my everything.
These memories we shared are what get me out of bed in the morning, they keep me going throughout the day, they are the reason I can make it to the gym, and the reason I simply live. It’s you. I am positive that every wrong turn I made in life brought you to me. I was destined to be a mother. I was destined to be your mother, Preston Alexander.
Can anyone ever imagine not being able to remember some of the most precious, happiest, fulfilling moments they had ever been so lucky to experience? That’s why I am here. I feel them slipping away. I find myself avoiding pictures and videos because they are constant reminders of the unconditional love I have lost. However, I do not want to forget. I want to write everything. I want him to be remembered.
If this is what 102 days without you feels like,
I don’t want to think of how a lifetime will be.